Lost Coin Notes
March 9, 2010

Daniel started with a poem from Mazumi Roshi:

Frontside back side
Frontside backside
Autumn leaves falling down

We are like autumn leaves, always turning over,  always unhappy with ourselves, always trying to show the good side. We want to expand and grow but also recognize the perfection we already have  the lost coin  that is the zen tradition.
When Daniel and Karen went to Zen Mountain Monastery they werent interested in a religious tradition  but wanted to get back to the old Zen, they wanted an America Zen. When Daniel makes monks this is what he is after.
Other countries are more bound by tradition  but here we are looking for a free Zen. The realization is not something that comes from outside. We already have this thing  its not something other than what we are  that is the practice. Whats important is that we are engaged in a practice of freedom. What does that mean? 
What is the original message? That that is our job to see.  Alan Watts understood it in a western/non-traditional way. If you have worked on yourself and it hasnt worked  it probably wont. Go back to the original message that you are perfect and complete  we are the product of the whole of existence. We really dont doing anything important. We dont make ourselves walk etc. Enlightenment in your sitting is dropping all of the boundaries  drop thought, the inner dialogue, the story. When one can do this  for a second we can see the empty space. Like an empty box it can contain everything. But you need to see that for yourself  through more and more sitting. Sitting - you and the world are the same thing  we are that thing  if we can really grasp that emotionally  nothing can possible go wrong. If we get sick and die, it is like a plant that grows, flowers and dies. We dont feel bad for the flower because that plant is the manifestation of the world - like we are. 
You can spend a lifetime being dissatisfied with everything or you can drop that and work with this teaching that you and the world are one and you are perfect and complete from the beginning. The question is only how to realize this deeply.
This is what the world is involved with  that the world is terrible wrong. What if the world is both up and down, yes and no  what are we  what can we be  what else can we possibly be but this world that we dont understand. If we drop thought, which has always been the way, then do we need to understand everything before we can be happy?  
What does it mean to just be, to be free  without explanation, without the Messiah, be freedom. You have always been free, the only person taking your freedom is you.
We sat with the feeling of freedom  some responses:
1) Do you wear away fear  and get more and more freedom?  I dont know how to practice freedom and drop fear. I suspect the answer is to SIT.  
2) Freedom is seen here as mental illness e.g., when the sadu takes off their clothes and rubs themselves with ashes. 
3) I wonder about the second half of life - career, relationship. But as I sit and drop the questioning, I stop worrying about it - but the worrying comes back right away. 
4) I just need to let go of the puzzle continuously running in my mind. It doesnt seem that hard to feel the experience, but that isnt how regular life pans out. If can get away from distraction or despair  this is the best way to practice.
5) Just seems that I dont get over fear  sometimes I feel powerful, other times I feel paralyzed  most times it is something in between. Being with Lost Coin has helped me feel less fear than before.  Also, when doing something I love  there is no fear. I just need to spend more time widdling away at my fear.
6) I can notice my fear more now, which helps me to articulate it and then think of alternative ways of handling the situations instead of being paralyzed. 

7) I was thinking of a fearful situation and in one second was in complete panic mode  but realized it was something that I created in my head. When I could drop the thought about the experience I was afraid of, the experience was wonderful, but when I thought about it the fear was back. That cycle was repeated probably 200 times. I realized how exhausting that was and a shame to live that way and how I could really improve life if I could drop negative thought. I dont want to talk myself out of the thoughts or try to make it positive  just drop them. 
8) Im not comfortable with what I perceive to be personally negative characteristics, I want to change and fix them. It Is a revelation for me that I am perfect.
9) I am very afraid of my dark side. I am afraid of parenting, afraid of screwing up kids at work. I am getting more fearful of activities I used to enjoy. Part of myself is being stuck in being fearful.   
10) When I had family and was living in a relationship, I actually felt more free; but, it was because there were a lot of distractions. I now feel more fearful because I dont have the distractions and now have to ask myself what is fear and what is freedom. 
RETREAT LOGISTICS
Steve will email out directions, etc. He lives just before the Canyons Resort, so not all the way to Park City.  The retreat starts at 9:00 am. There will be a few things for breakfast (bagels, yogurt and granola) , tea and coffee. Lunch will be a stir fry rice and soup. Please bring side dishes  salads, treats, etc. BRING YOUR CUSHIONS! Bring any extra cushions for others if possible.
We will probably go out to dinner on Saturday night in Park City at Caf Trang.
Doens birthday is March 15th. The group has gotten Doen a number of gifts, coordinated by Elena. If you want to contribute, give your money to Liz. Elena will have a card for you to sign.   	 
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